


Not enough guilt

by payal



Series: Not enough [8]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: AU, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, Shy!Jared, Trouble In Paradise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 13:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3939109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/payal/pseuds/payal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared would always support Jensen ... Jensen would always love Jared ... But would they both show it ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not enough guilt

Two sparkling drops of water on Jensen’s chest; one drop slightly higher than the other, looking so unreal on his well crafted sun-kissed freckled chest was all Jared could focus on at that moment. 

Jared was busy reading harry potter and sorcerer's stone for the n’th time when the bathroom door opened and Jensen stepped out wearing his softest most cuddle able pajamas, towel in one hand rubbing his moist golden hair and smelling of lemon and mint. There were very few phenomenons that could interrupt Jared when he was reading and this was definitely one of them. 

He kept his book on the bed and kneeled towards Jensen slowly, eyes fixed on those 2 drops on the mounts of Jensen’s chest. He was face to chest, when he slowly lifted his eyes and looked in Jensen’s and whispered a little 'hey'.

Jensen stepped back. 

"Jared ... I...”

A small smile was all Jared was able to manage before his eyes lowered and he saw Jensen mercilessly wipe away those two perfect drops of water, breaking Jared’s illusion.

"It’s been a long day babe ... And ... And I just... I know you want to... Believe me ... Me too but ..."

Before Jensen could utter another word Jared who was now back, half laying on the pillow, silently removed the blanket on Jensen’s side of bed and gestured Jensen to lie down next to him. 

When Jensen was snuggled up in the blanket he extended his hand and Jared understood that gesture... Jensen wanted Jared to lie down with Jensen’s hand as pillow and Jared accepted. 

"You are reading sorcerer’s stone again" 

Jared lifted his eyes to gaze into Jensen’s and whispered softly "mmh hmm ..." 

"I know when and why you read that book Jared..."

Jared didn't know that Jensen knew, why Jared was reading that book.. He didn't know that Jensen observed Jared’s habits so keenly... He didn't know that something so intimate to him would be known to Jensen… He didn't know that Jensen knew that he reads the first harry potter book whenever he is hurting… He didn't know whether Jensen knew that Jensen was the one causing the hurt.

But he decided not to pet the elephant in the room and slowly snuggled closer to Jensen to whisper "I read it because I like it ... Jen" 

Jensen exhaled and his long fingers began soothing Jared’s hair. it was clear that Jensen also wanted to stay clear of the aforementioned elephant. He whispered "would you like to read some more or would you like to sleep with me .."

Jared just heard the last two words and that was enough for Jared. He didn't remember the last time those words were uttered and he don't know when the next time would be so he slowly replied with his own set of two words "with you" 

Jensen switched off the light on his side of bed and slept under Jared’s warm embrace and Jared switched off the light of his side of bed and remained awake under Jensen’s. 

Everything slowly crept in, pain that was dancing on the edges for a very long time began making its presence noted and Jared let it take him to January when Jensen came home one day from hospital fuming with rage and decided that he loved medicine but he really needs to go in administrative aspect of health care as he was done answering the suits and if he really wanted to bring out the necessary changes in the present public health care sector which was obviously in slump Jensen had to go in administration and take matters in his hands. 

Jared had no reason to question Jensen’s decision so he told Jensen he was right beside him, supporting Jensen in whatever he decides and the gleam in Jensen’s eyes was without a doubt a thank you from Jensen.

And it all began. Jensen started waking up at 5:30 to join the study group that met 7am to 9am to prepare for the entrance exam for management colleges and then he'd go to the hospital 10am to 4pm to complete his 1 year mandatory internship for his medical school and then for work experience (again for the management college) he'd go to a charity hospital and research center from 6pm to 8pm. By the time he was home he was so tired that Jared had to practically feed Jensen himself and Jensen would rant about his day and sleep in Jared’s arm. 

Jared missed Jensen. The feeling of missing Jensen was his only companion. he would count hours and collect little anecdotes from his day to tell his soulful, vivacious, ever-so-keen Jensen but what he got at night laying on his bed was a barely-there, too-tired-to-sleep, grumpy Jensen who slept only to wake up again the next day to go through his 14 hour day .

Jared stopped counting hours and stopped collecting little incidents. He doesn’t want to keep Jensen awake with his silly things like how the new Ed Sheeran song made his day or how excited he got after his favorite author retweeted his tweet or how he discovered a new book called The Rosie Project and couldn’t put it down even if he tried and hence finished it in record time. He stopped waiting, but he never stopped craving, he never stopped wanting…

Jared wanted to be as supportive to Jensen as possible he never wanted to be one of those boyfriends who would demand and whine and cling. Jensen needed time and space to go and pursue his ambitions and Jared is going to be there beside him and that is enough for Jared for now. Yes, it hurts and yes, with every breath, with every blink of his eye and with passing moment Jared wants Jensen but he can do it, he has to do it, for Jensen and for the love that they share.  
No matter how much Jared wants to hold on, no matter how much Jared explains to himself that it will be over, Jensen’s absence will be over. It is not going to be the black hole which will swallow Jared or their relationship yet everything seems slipping away. The more Jared tried to contain the feeling of sustenance the more it wriggled away like sand, like silk, like a smile...

-=-

Jared woke up at 9:23 and the left side of the bed was already cold, Jensen was long gone he went to the kitchen; it was his daily routine to check for any notes or hints or cupcakes or flowers that Jensen use to leave in the beginning but now the lingering memories of all those things was the only thing Jared had. They would not clench Jared’s thirst of Jensen or would not feed his longing heart but they would bring a little warmth to prevent him from freezing.

When he drank his coffee his thought carried him to all the coffee flavored kisses they’d share in the morning with Jared trying to read the newspaper and Jensen trying to steal kisses before, between and after he sipped his coffee. 

Jared blushed at the thought of an extra horny Jensen in the morning always late to the hospital and Jared to the library when they took the shower because together their shower time would consist of kissing, biting, pulling, moaning and various other delicious activities besides bathing.

Jared dressed himself in one of Jensen’s shirt ignoring the fact that it was slightly snug in the shoulders (he could live with that) and sprayed an extra amount of Jensen’s deo just to smell like him all day long. It made him happy for the first time since last night and looking at himself he smiled reminiscing all the time Jensen has wasted taming Jared’s hair and finally giving up and announcing that Jensen’s favorite look of Jared’s hair was anyways after-sex-tangled and Jared blushed at that comment and Jensen roared with the laughter that has been missing in their home for a very long time now.

With all these things running in his mind Jared made a quick lunch for himself and fabricated a time scheduled message for Jensen that would reach him at 1o’clock to remind him of eating something and headed for the library.

 

-=-

His work at the library was a true blessing as he could forget just for a little while how deserted and empty he felt in the house, here he talked to students and helped out people finding whatever books they needed. A sense of fulfillment had started surrounding Jared when his phone vibrated in his pocket and it was Jensen!

It was very rare of Jensen to call at the peak hours of the hospital Jared gathered all his strength and positivity before picking up “hey …”

“Jared I’ll not be home after 4 today, I have to meet Danneel to feel out the application forms of the colleges that I was talking about... I’ll be home by night...”

“Yeah sure… uhm Jensen?”

“Yes …”

“You ate lunch … right..?”

“Lunch ...uhh...” Jensen voice faltered and it was enough for Jared to understand what had exactly happened.

“Forget lunch … you haven’t eaten anything since morning have you ..?”

“I HAVE BEEN WORKING MY ASS OFF HERE JARED!”

Jared had heard Jensen shout before. One time on his sister for dating that loser Mark and one time when he threatened to sue the online marketing company that sent the wrong gift to Jared on his birthday and once when he was super annoyed by the frequent phone calls by the telemarketers but never had Jared been on the receiving end… he got scared and couldn’t speak for a while and then when words were just starting to form on his tongue he heard the soothing sorries of his boyfriend from the other part of the phone.

“Jared babe I am sorry… it’s just been crazy here and I shouldn’t have… you were just looking out for me.”

“Yes I was Jensen”

“I just… I…” 

Jared wanted to end this phone call from hell ASAP “At what time will you be home”

“Around 8:30”

-=-

Jensen came home at 12:30.

Jared was asleep in the dining room when he heard the rattle of keys and a soothing voice asking him to wake up and a strong callous hand on the small of his back guiding him away from the dining table towards the bedroom.

Jared resisted. He wanted to be awake for Jensen he wanted to make sure Jensen ate something before he went to bed because dinner was the only meal that Jensen ate in front of Jared and Jared would make sure he ate at least that right. He started fussing over the dishes and went to get water and asked Jensen to wash up.

Strong arms got hold of his biceps and he was met with tired green eyes and then his sleep infused brain realized that Jensen was talking… more like rambling something. He shook the racks of his brain to focus on the aforementioned rambling…

“There was an emergency case at the hospital and Dr. Steven’s daughter had a very bad cold I had to take her shift and that’s why… I know I should have informed you… but there was no time and I just got so tangled… I am just so fucked up… ” 

Jared refused to accept that wounded look on Jensen’s face he knew Jensen was hurting, he knew Jensen was suffering… he leaned forward and kissed Jensen with all the love, affection and intensity that he could muster and when he came back for air he rested his forehead on Jensen’s and whispered “No guilt” 

And even before Jared could open his eyes he was being shoved back and Jensen was shouting, the green in Jensen’s eyes barely visible, the softness of his face gone and he was shouting. 

“NO GUILT !!! NO GUILT!! Are you fucking kidding me Jared SHOUT AT ME… SCREAM AT ME for not coming home on time for not giving you any time SHOUT AT ME GOD DAMMIT for making your life miserable making you miserable… WHY ARENT YOU MAD AT ME DON’T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE ! I am never here and you… you… made dinner and YOU SAY NO GUILT I don’t deserve that Jared I don’t… HURT ME JARED LIKE I’M HURTING YOU…”

Jared heard and Jared processed and Jared cant recall when his body decided to speak up “I don’t love you.. I don’t love you… are you seriously that blind Jensen do you seriously believe what you just said.Your going away… your not taking care of yourself… DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I AM GOING THROUGH? ”

Tears were streaming down Jared’s eyes when Jensen spoke again but this time his tone was that of a defeated person… of a person who would lose everything if he doesn’t get his question answered… of a person whose everything depended on the hazel eyes those were flooded with tears right in front of him.

“But you never… you never… ask or… or demand”

Jared’s body did it again… the speaking thing…

“That’s because I am not selfish enough to ask you to leave your career and your dreams to entertain me. That’s because I am confident enough to know you are meant to succeed. That’s because I know you enough to know that right now you need your space and your time for a big step in your career”

“Jared babe… I…”

“Jensen I love you enough to let you go and trust you enough to come back to me” 

Before another word was uttered or another breath was taken or another tear was dropped Jensen was supporting Jared in his arms and guiding the two of them to the big couch.

Both of them sat in it Jared tucked safely under Jensen’s chin with Jensen hands on his back and Jensen’s lips in his hair uttering the most beautiful things. Jared never felt more loved, never felt safer, and never felt more needed.

After they were sure of each others existence until their hearts desire and after they discovered the spark that was never lost but a little hidden under the storm of Jensen’s busy life, Jensen shifted a little and lifted Jared’s chin to look him in the eye and whispered “Let’s get out of here”

Jared’s didn’t want to ruin the moment but then he was always the pragmatic one in the relationship so he whispered back” You know we can’t, your work needs you right now” 

“A long weekend could never hurt anyone… love” was whispered back and before Jared could say even a single word he was lifted in the strongest arms, kissed by the softest lips and was thrown on the fluffiest mattress. And the only sound Jared could manage was a loud and happy moan.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you like it.  
> Let me know if you don't.


End file.
